Friday, May 23, 2008
My neighbor often tells me of her worries about her son. He is a great boy. He is 16 years old. He does all his school work and gets great grades but there is a problem that the family perceives. John is not as masculine as his father would like him to be. He shows signs of being effeminate. His mom says he is gentle, has mostly girl friends, is empathetic and caring, and very loving, talks about fashion and things that are usually designated for the female gender. When he was younger he mostly played with girls and “girl games such as house and school” (p.127). He never played “boy games such as baseball or any sports games where the involvement was physical rough play organized by rules and specific roles” (p.126). I know him well and he is a great friend to my daughter. John does not admit to being gay. He says he wants to have a family one day with a wife and children. One day recently John was with his friend Karen not far from his house. They were listening to music and decided to skip down the block linked arm and arm in the rain. When John’s father whipped around the corner in his car on his way back from work he pulled up next to them and yelled “what the hell do you think you are doing” and sped off. Karen and he, I am told, were determined not be bothered by this and continued skipping although it was evident that John was very hurt. This window into someone else’s world made me wonder what I would do if John was my son. How would I feel if I thought my son was gay and he was not ready yet to deal with this issue? I know I would be like John’s mom and wait to see and try not to impose my thoughts either way. John’s mom said that she will wait until John is willing to deal with it. But when one parent is not willing to accept their son for who he is it makes life very difficult. John may not feel comfortable if he is gay to come out for fear that his father will not love him anymore. He needs a safe place to be able to let his thoughts and feelings out. John’s mom said she is thinking of taking John to a therapist to let him be able to talk there and deal with his father. Maybe he is not gay but John needs to be respected for who he is and to know that he will be loved for whoever he is, as any of his other siblings are. Somehow I know it would not be easy for my husband if this were our situation. Do men have a harder time dealing with these issues? What do you think?
Thursday, May 15, 2008
May 15, 2008
Last week my sister Ann and her husband Marty went to see the movie “Iron Man”. They came into my house and were excited to tell me the details of the movie when my daughter Denise stopped by to see what was going on. Marty said “Denise you should go see the movie”. Ann said Denise would probably not like it because it was all about war. Marty went on to say that he thought Denise was a cool girl and would like the movie. Yes, she is a cool girl, my sister said, but girls don’t like to watch war. Denise chuckled about the whole conversation and went back to her telephone conversation. Marty and Ann continued to go on about the movie in detail. When they left I started thinking… what is a cool girl; why don’t war movies and girls go together? Do cool girls like things that boys like too? Traditionally toy guns and boys are usually associated together when growing up and girls and dolls – not dead dolls. Boys were encouraged to be aggressive and girls were encouraged to be nurturing. These days a lot of parents don’t allow their children to play with toy guns but not too long ago it was very acceptable. However, girls are still encouraged to be nurturing and boys are still encouraged to be aggressive. Why? Things have changed somewhat – you do see females in the military these days. You do see men being a little more nurturing taking care of their children. Both of these instances however, are not as common as the other way around. Gender is taught. We learn it subtly and sometimes not so subtly. Girls are treated differently than boys when growing up by the people in their lives, especially their mother and father. Parents don’t have to say a word but might buy products strongly associated with girls for their daughters and toys associated with boys for their sons. We get the gender message loud and clear. The expectation for girls can be very different than the ones for boys. Girls might be expected to do housework and cooking and boys the more physical labor. Where does this come from? Boys are said to have more muscle mass biologically so we may associate boys as being stronger (Gendered Lives p.39). Girls are said to be more nurturing but in the book “Gendered Lives” it is said that nurturing is actually learned when taking care of people who need to be taken care of like babies, children, the elderly, handicapped, etc. In the textbook it goes on to say that men actually develop a nurturing side when they take care of people too (p.40). We may be born with certain biological qualities but that does not destine us to be strictly one way or another. ”Biological theories tell us only about physiological and genetic qualities of men and women in general. They don’t necessarily describe the individual men and women” (p.45). A lot of our gender personality comes from our environment – what we learn our culture expects of us. And we are not all the same thank goodness. Our personalities are varied with some characteristics of male and some of female. Probably more of one gender than the other but not always. There are always exceptions and I think our society is slowly getting used to some of the changes. But is our society ready for a pregnant man? When I saw the pregnant man on “The Oprah Show” in the faculty cafeteria, I can’t say I openly accepted the idea, but I was curious and tried to be able to understand and at least respect people for who they are. People in the room with me were not as accepting. I wonder what my sister would think. I have to make a mental note to ask her next time I see her.
Last week my sister Ann and her husband Marty went to see the movie “Iron Man”. They came into my house and were excited to tell me the details of the movie when my daughter Denise stopped by to see what was going on. Marty said “Denise you should go see the movie”. Ann said Denise would probably not like it because it was all about war. Marty went on to say that he thought Denise was a cool girl and would like the movie. Yes, she is a cool girl, my sister said, but girls don’t like to watch war. Denise chuckled about the whole conversation and went back to her telephone conversation. Marty and Ann continued to go on about the movie in detail. When they left I started thinking… what is a cool girl; why don’t war movies and girls go together? Do cool girls like things that boys like too? Traditionally toy guns and boys are usually associated together when growing up and girls and dolls – not dead dolls. Boys were encouraged to be aggressive and girls were encouraged to be nurturing. These days a lot of parents don’t allow their children to play with toy guns but not too long ago it was very acceptable. However, girls are still encouraged to be nurturing and boys are still encouraged to be aggressive. Why? Things have changed somewhat – you do see females in the military these days. You do see men being a little more nurturing taking care of their children. Both of these instances however, are not as common as the other way around. Gender is taught. We learn it subtly and sometimes not so subtly. Girls are treated differently than boys when growing up by the people in their lives, especially their mother and father. Parents don’t have to say a word but might buy products strongly associated with girls for their daughters and toys associated with boys for their sons. We get the gender message loud and clear. The expectation for girls can be very different than the ones for boys. Girls might be expected to do housework and cooking and boys the more physical labor. Where does this come from? Boys are said to have more muscle mass biologically so we may associate boys as being stronger (Gendered Lives p.39). Girls are said to be more nurturing but in the book “Gendered Lives” it is said that nurturing is actually learned when taking care of people who need to be taken care of like babies, children, the elderly, handicapped, etc. In the textbook it goes on to say that men actually develop a nurturing side when they take care of people too (p.40). We may be born with certain biological qualities but that does not destine us to be strictly one way or another. ”Biological theories tell us only about physiological and genetic qualities of men and women in general. They don’t necessarily describe the individual men and women” (p.45). A lot of our gender personality comes from our environment – what we learn our culture expects of us. And we are not all the same thank goodness. Our personalities are varied with some characteristics of male and some of female. Probably more of one gender than the other but not always. There are always exceptions and I think our society is slowly getting used to some of the changes. But is our society ready for a pregnant man? When I saw the pregnant man on “The Oprah Show” in the faculty cafeteria, I can’t say I openly accepted the idea, but I was curious and tried to be able to understand and at least respect people for who they are. People in the room with me were not as accepting. I wonder what my sister would think. I have to make a mental note to ask her next time I see her.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
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