Gendered Studies

Gendered Studies

My neighbor often tells me of her worries about her son. He is a great boy. He is 16 years old. He does all his school work and gets great grades but there is a problem that the family perceives. John is not as masculine as his father would like him to be. He shows signs of being effeminate. His mom says he is gentle, has mostly girl friends, is empathetic and caring, and very loving, talks about fashion and things that are usually designated for the female gender. When he was younger he mostly played with girls and “girl games such as house and school” (p.127). He never played “boy games such as baseball or any sports games where the involvement was physical rough play organized by rules and specific roles” (p.126). I know him well and he is a great friend to my daughter. John does not admit to being gay. He says he wants to have a family one day with a wife and children. One day recently John was with his friend Karen not far from his house. They were listening to music and decided to skip down the block linked arm and arm in the rain. When John’s father whipped around the corner in his car on his way back from work he pulled up next to them and yelled “what the hell do you think you are doing” and sped off. Karen and he, I am told, were determined not be bothered by this and continued skipping although it was evident that John was very hurt. This window into someone else’s world made me wonder what I would do if John was my son. How would I feel if I thought my son was gay and he was not ready yet to deal with this issue? I know I would be like John’s mom and wait to see and try not to impose my thoughts either way. John’s mom said that she will wait until John is willing to deal with it. But when one parent is not willing to accept their son for who he is it makes life very difficult. John may not feel comfortable if he is gay to come out for fear that his father will not love him anymore. He needs a safe place to be able to let his thoughts and feelings out. John’s mom said she is thinking of taking John to a therapist to let him be able to talk there and deal with his father. Maybe he is not gay but John needs to be respected for who he is and to know that he will be loved for whoever he is, as any of his other siblings are. Somehow I know it would not be easy for my husband if this were our situation. Do men have a harder time dealing with these issues? What do you think?