Friday, May 23, 2008
My neighbor often tells me of her worries about her son. He is a great boy. He is 16 years old. He does all his school work and gets great grades but there is a problem that the family perceives. John is not as masculine as his father would like him to be. He shows signs of being effeminate. His mom says he is gentle, has mostly girl friends, is empathetic and caring, and very loving, talks about fashion and things that are usually designated for the female gender. When he was younger he mostly played with girls and “girl games such as house and school” (p.127). He never played “boy games such as baseball or any sports games where the involvement was physical rough play organized by rules and specific roles” (p.126). I know him well and he is a great friend to my daughter. John does not admit to being gay. He says he wants to have a family one day with a wife and children. One day recently John was with his friend Karen not far from his house. They were listening to music and decided to skip down the block linked arm and arm in the rain. When John’s father whipped around the corner in his car on his way back from work he pulled up next to them and yelled “what the hell do you think you are doing” and sped off. Karen and he, I am told, were determined not be bothered by this and continued skipping although it was evident that John was very hurt. This window into someone else’s world made me wonder what I would do if John was my son. How would I feel if I thought my son was gay and he was not ready yet to deal with this issue? I know I would be like John’s mom and wait to see and try not to impose my thoughts either way. John’s mom said that she will wait until John is willing to deal with it. But when one parent is not willing to accept their son for who he is it makes life very difficult. John may not feel comfortable if he is gay to come out for fear that his father will not love him anymore. He needs a safe place to be able to let his thoughts and feelings out. John’s mom said she is thinking of taking John to a therapist to let him be able to talk there and deal with his father. Maybe he is not gay but John needs to be respected for who he is and to know that he will be loved for whoever he is, as any of his other siblings are. Somehow I know it would not be easy for my husband if this were our situation. Do men have a harder time dealing with these issues? What do you think?
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7 comments:
Linda, I thought this post was interesting, and good question at the end. I don't have any official sources but my opinion is that men would generally have a tougher time accepting that their son was gay, as oppossed to their daughter. I think attitudes about homosexuality are changing. In fact a few years ago when John Kerry kept talking about Dick Cheyney's daughter who is a lesbian I found it odd that Kerry would have even brought it up.
I noticed a show the other day where a bisexual attress is doing a show like the Bachelor but she has men and women to choose from. I am wondering now if people are more accepting of a bisexual woman than of a bisexual man. I wonder if this is the start of a transitional phase where we will soon see a bachelor that is select from a pool of bachelors? Or a woman with just females to choose from?
I remember a kid from high school who sounded a lot like John. He got picked on frequently because most people assumed he was gay. At my last reunion he was married with 3 kids.
My post to Terry:
Linda said...
How unfortunate that some parents can't be open enough to understand that children should be exposed to a lot of different activities until they can choose for themselves what is best. There are a lot of men who are not afraid to dance and know it is not only a woman's activity. I think that some other cultures may be even more accepting of men dancing. Maybe the view of men dancing is changing somewhat here because of shows like Dancing with the Stars and MTV’s America’s best Dance Group (where the contestants were mostly males). I hope so. After all, where would all the dance partners be if they all thought the same way as those parents in the parking lot.
May 23, 2008 1:41 PM
My Post to Alex
Linda said...
There should be more men at the PTA meetings but what about the executives that run the schools - at the school I work for there are mostly men with top level positions at the Board of Ed. They make the top decisions for the schools while the majority of the teachers are women. I also think that the executive level needs to be balanced as well.
May 23, 2008 6:28 PM
Linda, Yes the last line of your post was very interesting. My husband gets a littly antsy when he sees my 7 year old son playing with dolls or aks if his shirt matches his pants or tells us that his favorite color is teal. I think most father's would still love their sons but probably don't quite know how to accept it. Whereas mothers being the nurturers accept it more easily.
I feel bad for John in that his father is not addressing the issue with his son and appears that there is conflict already even when not knowing if John is gay.
Linda,
Interesting post. Have you ever had the chance to watch kindergarteners play? Usually in kindergarten classes, there is a play area of a play sink, stove, etc. Rarely do you see the boys playing house. Does bring to question how early in our lives are these gender messages learned?
Just on an opinion and no research to prove it, I am going to assume that yes it is more difficult for males to deal with this type of issue than for females. This does not mean that all mothers are very accepting and all fathers are not, but generally speaking I think more fathers would have trouble dealing with it. This is because many fathers were brought up in the day where we had stereotypical gender roles and boys were brought up to do "manly" things and girls were brought up to be feminine and dainty. For a father who wants to raise a son who grows up to be a tough manly man, than the words "my son is gay" would probably be the worst thing for them to have to hear and accept. This is because our soceity automatically labels homosexual males as feminine and unmanly, which is definitely not even true. There are many homosexual guys that are just as much a guys guy, or even more manly than a heterosexual male. And of course, there are many heterosexual males that are effeminate and could even exhibit more feminine characteristics than an actual homosexual male. These labels and assumptions that our society makes make it more difficult for everyone to come out and be themselves, and for loved ones to be accepting, because the bottom line is that everyone's worst fear comes down to them worrying about how will society accept them. Personally I don't think it is really an issue. If you love your child than it really does not matter what their sexual preference is. It has nothing to do with who they are as a person or what kind of character they have. I think if society as a whole would chill out than they would realize that if we love someone than we should be proud of who they are and accept them for it, whether we personally agree with it or not. As long as your child is happy and feels complete than we should respect them and only want whats best for their well-being.
I feel a lot of this situations start so early in life and parents neglecting communication or help makes the scenario worst for the child well being. A lot of children experienced this emotions but parents don’t know how to help them. I’m not saying, I have all the answers but the best support you can give your child is love. A lot of children that are not sure what is that they are experiencing takes them to a road of suicide and drugs. Hiding your true feelings from your parents has to be one of the hardest things for a child. However, therapy could help so much to realize what the child is going through. A lot of cases kids are just experimenting and copying from TV. Some of this shows confused children emotions and sexuality and because they are restricted at school the only outlet is watching TV to determine what is the solution to their problems.
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